Do you know what my favourite thing about space was? Not having glass break. With low gravity, if you dropped a window it would just slowly float toward the ground and land there safely. On Earth, you get no such mercy. Drop a window and it smashes into a million tiny pieces which will take you an hour to clean up. It’s infuriating. I’ve wasted so much money on glass objects that were destroyed by the gravitational pull of our planet. Maybe I’m just clumsy, sure, but I’m certain I wouldn’t be in this situation if I still lived on the moon. Damn you, BASA, for recalling me from my space mission!

Now I’ve got to find a business for glass repair around Melbourne because I was trying to put a new balustrade in place and tripped on a rock. Why couldn’t it have just bounced on the ground and stayed intact? So frustrating. There’s just so much about this planet that annoys me. For example, the entire reason I needed a balustrade was because I find it difficult to climb stairs these days. The gravitational pull of our planet is just too strong! It’s terrible for the knees. So I needed to order a glass balustrade near Melbourne, have it delivered and then install it so that I could have some support while climbing. I may not be an old-timer, but my legs have really struggled with the increased gravity since returning. 

Shards of broken glass on the ground. Background.

You know another thing I liked about the moon? No nosy neighbours. You can’t even imagine how nice that was. As soon as I dropped the glass this morning, Mr Parkinson and Ms Benji came running at the chance to get some juicy gossip. Like, leave me alone! Can’t you let a man mourn over his destroyed balustrade in peace? And now rumours are spreading all over the neighbourhood that I’m the Glass Smashing Bandit! As if I would break my own glass on purpose.

BASA, please send me back.